Huh? *scratches head*

The employer I work for has an internal messaging system, much like a very dumbed-down version of any free IM program. It does the job....mostly.

One of the drawbacks of having an agency-wide IM program, though, is that while it's cool to message, well, anyone, it also means you can be messaged by anyone. Such was the case yesterday.

Receptionist from my last office: WG, there's a client here to see you.
WG: I'm sorry to hear that.
RFMLO: can u take a call please?
WG: I suppose.
RFMLO: what extension are you at now? my phone list is old.
WG: Well, I quit working in that building about five months ago. I'm on the other side of town now, did you explain this to whoever it is?
RFMLO: her ssn is xxx-xx-xxxx
RFMLO: her name is ___________
RFMLO: can i have her call u
WG: You should perhaps have her call her worker. She was never my client even when I did work there.
RFMLO: ok i have her call u from lobby
.....................long pause............................
RFMLO: hello r u still there?
WG: Yep.
RFMLO: she says she is getting somebody else's voicemail.
WG: That'd be because it is somebody else's voicemail.
RFMLO: ok thank you.

Of Trolls

Earlier today, I frequented Kate's main blog, as I try to do daily. She doesn't get trolls very often; usually when she does, they're following the link from one of her Pajamas Media posts, or some other mention of Obama.

Anyway, on this post, the first two comments were both from trolls, although they seemed to be of different varieties, and it got me to thinking. How many kinds of trolls are there? Just like that, as Stephen King says, my Muse shat upon my head, and I had the makings of the sort of deep, insightful witticism that keeps all six of you coming back for more. You know who you are. Here are the major species of Troll - if you know of a subspecies, or you're angry because you're a troll that didn't get mentioned, by all means leave me a comment and contribute.

A Troll Primer:

CAPS LOCK TROLLS
Caps Lock Trolls are a main species of troll one finds frequenting blogs, distinguished primarily by their inability to find the Caps Lock key. They are usually fairly incoherent, and one of the best takedowns I've ever read of this sort of idiot is located here.

Elitist Trolls
These guys are pretty easy to spot. Nearly every arguement they use to try to enlighten you is preceeded by some kind of disclaimer about their own qualifications, and it's often, if not usually, followed by a point they're making after having read a 3-column article in Newsweek, Time, or People magazine in the bathroom and done very little, if any, actual research. They usually have little actual understanding of, well, anything, beyond their own shallow worldview. Arguing with one is fun...and by fun I mean of the yank-his-chain-again-and-see-if-he'll-do-that-again variety. Classic example? Michael Moore.

Pompous Windbag Trolls
PWT's are a little more difficult to deal with, largely because they drone. Speaking to one is impossible, because they never actually stop talking; discussions aren't discussions at all, they're an attempt to bludgeon you into a whimpering, bleeding, quivering ball with mind-numbing boredom. Trolls of this variety actually do often know what they're talking about, but rather than actually make a point, one flows into the next seamlessly, preventing any actual dialogue from taking place. The best (and often, only) successful tactic is to put a mirror up and allow them to talk into it, and exit the room quietly. Usually, the troll will not notice.

Clever Troll
Clever Trolls are often, if not always, impressed first and foremost with their own cleverness, and they nearly always want to tell you about it. (I will confess, this is the side of troll-dom that I am closest to, when I do indulge my trollish instincts.) Clever Trolls usually have a good arguement to make, but tend to trip themselves up by being a bit too clever. An excellent example of this sort of troll is Al Franken, whose very cleverness during his SNL years is making his run for office in Minnesota this year somewhat difficult. Saying clever, but insulting and degrading, things about minorities may make people laugh, but it can come back and bite you in the ass....trolls of this stripe are also deprecatingly referred to as "fucking jerks".

Insane Troll
We've all seen them, or encountered them either online or in person. These guys are the waaaaaaaaaaaay out there bunch, that occasionally wander back into the warm light of civilization. I personally think they exist for no other reason than to make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Here's a classic example.

Clueless Troll
These poor, poor trolls are the saddest ones of the lot, because they don't really mean to be trolls. They can't really help it. Clueless Trolls are the lemmings of the troll world, following whatever suicidal herd instinct they hear that impels them to hurl themselves with little but enthusiasm into the cause of the moment. They form instant assessments of complex problems, rarely, if ever, have any idea what they're talking about, but are great for spreading memes of one sort or another. Whatever it is, they're excited about it.

Evil Trolls
By way of comparison, trolls of this variety are not enthusiastic about anything. They're bitter, angry, want to simply drag everyone around them down into their own funk. According to one of the candidates running for a political office this year, they're usually religious gun owners living in rural America. I disagree - Evil Trolls are found everywhere, and the root of their evilness is disillusionment. Evil Trolls are one of the usual ends for Clueless Trolls who have lost their mojo - sort of like a caterpillar into a butterfly, but backwards and uglier.

My best friend and I, in a nutshell.

I'm the one with the Blackberry.

Overheard

WG: when does the fun start?

The Bike Owner: Good question...

WG: if it doesn't start soon, i want my money back.

TBO: If you have too much fun, they'll take their money back
TBO: hehehe

WG: lol
WG: that's the problem
WG: how do you know when you've had precisely the amount of fun you're permitted to have?
WG: do we have a fun quota?
WG: A Department of Fun?

TBO: Yep. The number changes randomly, and we never know what it is.

WG: ah, i see
WG: that must be fun for somebody

TBO: They're very serious about their fun.

WG: well fun is important
WG: so you have to take it seriously
WG: i mean, you might miss out on some of the fun you're entitled to if you didn't
WG: the people at the department of fun must have it rought
WG: not only are they required to make sure that everybody's having fun in the right amount, but they'd be required to have fun doing it

TBO: Tough job..

WG: i think this conversation's going to have to end up on my blog.

Stupid criminal tricks

I saw this story, and couldn't stop laughing.... What the hell?????

AP - FRESNO, California - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke
into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one of the men
with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing...

Rachel says cats are assholes

She's right, of course.....but somebody needs to point out that this balances the books somewhat.

Just for the record, I laughed so hard I cried.

Two bits of awesome

Two things happened simultaneously.

I read this post. That is the funniest thing I've seen in AGES.

As I was recovering from the hilarity, I looked over and saw the Little Pirate in the baby swing we just got for him, snoozing away. Snuggles (one of the cats) walked up with a very concerned look on his face, and tried to look into the swing as it was going down, but he misjudged it and got smacked in the face when it came back up....and ran away. It was great.

heh

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Fun with commenters

Normally, I'd delete the second comment on the previous post , but I couldn't resist the comparison:

Kredit ohne Schufa said...
I want to do nothing with you.I want to love you only.I think you should not lose your vote.

Me love you chicken-head style, ten dollah!

Most awesome suspenseful moment ever

Let me first say I don't really care for the pageant dog-and-pony show that American Idol has become. I don't really enjoy watching the beginning auditions, aside from the odd snarky comment or two from Simon...after all, he does come up with some memorable zingers from time to time. Largely, it bores me to the point of actual cellular decay.

The middle of the show? Eh...some good, some bad, mostly mediocre with an occasional "Wow, you gotta check this out" moment. That's what DVR's are for.

We got in the habit around here a long time ago of recording everything we want to watch and seeing it anywhere from half an hour to days later, skipping the irritating commercials as we go. Again, remember, I'm really not an Idol fan, particularly.

Imagine, then, if you will, my absolute delight and utter enjoyment when the big moment arrived, and Ryan Seacrest went to announce the winner...after sitting through the whole torturous two hours of show preceeding it...and got as far as, "And the winner...of American Idol...2008....is....." -=bink=- recording over.

I laughed so hard I cried. God, I"m still laughing as I type. I had to go online for the girls and find out that David Cook won (he's definitely got the emo vote, my 14 yr old loves him to itsy bitsy squooshy bits), because they were threatening me with bodily harm if I didn't.

Say it with me....LOL.

Great definition

Committee:

A coalition of the unwilling, chosen from the unable, to carry out the unnecessary.

Overheard

Setting: Little Red's choir concert last night, sitting in the fourth row back with Red and Thing #1 on one side of me and Thing #2 on the other. In between two songs was this little exchange.

Thing #2: (whispering) I'm really hungry. Can I go get something out of the vending machine?

Me: (whispering) No. They won't let you leave in the middle of a performance, and I don't have any money on me anyway.

Thing #2: We could cut off your beard and dye it green. That would fool the machine.

Me: I don't think that would work so well...and I like my beard, thanks very much.

Thing #2: Your breath stinks a lot.

Me: That's because I didn't get a chance to brush my teeth since lunchtime.

Thing #2: You're a very gross man.

A truly rare opportunity.

How often do you get to use Fucking in a sentence as a proper noun instead of a verb, an adjective, or an adverb? I mean, really.

Update: Truly, an excellent bit of trivia.

Muah ha ha ha haaaa

Most awesome series of pranks Ever.

Not that I'd laugh at other peoples' difficulties, because that would be wrong, and I would not do such a thing.

(h/t: Instapundit)

This one's for Dad

hee hee hee......

I've found a candidate I can get behind!

You stay in front. I'll be back here.

(h/t Youtube Smackdown )